The Portal series might be getting up there in age, but it still remains one of the funniest series in all of gaming — they just don’t make them like that anymore. Valve may have moved away from developing games to focus on running Steam, but with its unmatched design sensibilities and raucous humor, players can’t forget that the company made some of the best games of all time in Portal and Portal 2.
The talent of Valve’s writers is evidenced in how many catchy, quotable one-liners came out of these two games. Every character (with the obvious exception of Chell) has at least a couple of unforgettable phrases that make players chuckle, even out of context. It’s a shame that fans won’t likely be seeing another Portal game, but it’s always a blast to go through and relive the best moments of these classic titles.
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12 “We both said a lot of things that you’re going to regret.”
GLaDOS
One of the best things about GLaDOS’ quips is that they’re so understated — sometimes if players are not paying enough attention, they could almost miss them. This line is a simple subversion of a cliché, but one simple change to the phrase makes it a hilarious line that makes players do an auditory double-take.
GLaDOS’ biting humor shines best when it showcases her subtlety, and this line absolutely achieves that. She’s more concerned with wearing Chell down over time with passive aggression rather than a more brazen approach. Going the more nuanced route often leads to greater emotional torment in the long run, just like GLaDOS wants.
11 "Unbelievable. You, [Subject Name Here] must be the pride of [Subject Hometown Here]."
GLaDOS
Some of Portal’s best bits come from playing with the idea that, in spite of her emotions and snarky attitude, GLaDOS is still a computer. Not only does this line allude to the lore of Aperture Science needing a template for lines like these to encourage the multitude of test subjects that they were experimenting on, but it implies that the AI cares so little for Chell that she couldn’t even be bothered to fill out the information.
GLaDOS will never miss out on an opportunity to tell Chell how little she thinks of her. It's also hilarious that this exchange implies that the AI was as snarky with all of the other test subjects as she was with Chell — whether there was some kind of scientific benefit to this dynamic is anyone's guess.
10 "My arch-nemesis. Holmes versus Moriarty. Aristotle versus SMASHY SPIKE PLATE!"
Wheatley
When contrasted with GLaDOS’ elegance, Wheatley’s lack of subtly really rounds out Portal 2’s comedic flavors. This quote comes along after the player has placed Wheatley in charge of the Aperture facility, and the oafish orb has decided that he’s going to kill the player after they betrayed him.
Wheatley seems to revel in having Chell as an arch-nemesis, as he comes to understand why GLaDOS enjoyed antagonizing her so much. This quote certainly has a dark side to it, but of course, its overtones of comedy made for a side-splitting line with some bite.
9 "Hello, this is the part where I kill you."
Wheatley
This line is great because it has a few different layers to it. First GLaDOS says that “this is the part where [Wheatley] kills you,” and then you get this banger from the power-crazed core himself. Then, the game’s chapter title pops up with supreme comedic timing stating that this is the part where he kills you.
It’s the stupidest, best kind of joke, and it’s made even better by the writer’s subversion of a narrative framing like the chapter titles to break the fourth wall and really send the bit home. They say that good things come in threes, and that is absolutely the case in this instance.
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8 "Federal regulations require me to warn you that this next test chamber... is looking pretty good.”
GLaDOS
One of the best parts of GLaDOS’ personality is when she makes it obvious that testing is not only her job, but something that she absolutely revels in. This line is a clear example of that side of her, and her passion for her livelihood is further hit home by voice actor Ellen McLain’s delivery in the latter half of the line.
Not only is GLaDOS dead set on making Chell’s life a living hell, but she also has an arrogance about her abilities that makes her all the more hilarious. Surely Chell isn’t too pleased to be trapped with a homicidal AI repeating tests over and over again, but it sure does make for some entertaining dialogue for the player.
7 “Look at you, sailing through the air majestically. Like an eagle…piloting a blimp.”
GLaDOS
For those moments that GLaDOS’ humor shines for its subtlety, there are moments like this where she beats Chell over the head with the most unabashed, wild comments — and they’re the best. After Chell launches herself off of one of the test chambers’ aerial plates for the first time, GLaDOS lays down this banger of a one-liner to of course cut her subject down a few notches.
An eagle piloting a blimp is something any reasonable person would love to see for the sheer ridiculousness of it, and this vivid description makes this quote one of GLaDOS’ best in the entire series.
6 “I'm speaking in an accent that is beyond her range of hearing.”
Wheatley
A silly accent is always a great way to get a chuckle, but Wheatley’s poor delivery of a Southern accent is enough to send even the hardest-hearted gamers over the edge into hysterics. Not only is this line just plain funny in how it actually sounds but it’s made even more comedic in how it points to Wheatley’s brazen stupidity.
Players can immediately tell that in his heart of hearts, Wheatley genuinely believes that this ruse is going to confuse GLaDOS, and there’s really no explanation needed for why that’s hilarious. Wheatley’s stupidity truly knows no bounds, which is a huge part of why he’s so lovable in the first place.
5 “If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.”
Cave Johnson
Cave Johnson, voiced by the iconic J.K. Simmons, is the king of one-liners, as evidenced by this single quote. Portal 2’s story brought a whole new dimension to the series, not just because of the new gameplay mechanics by way of the various gels, but also because players got a glimpse into what Aperture was like back in the 1970s.
If the facility already felt like a lawless land of unbridled scientific research, a throwback to an older era makes it feel even worse. The whole operation was headed by the egomaniacal Johnson, whose implication that physics might not apply in the future, along with the well wishes to any subjects affected by Aperture’s testing, makes for one of the best quips of the series.
4 “Oh, it’s you.”
GLaDOS
This is GLaDOS’ most stripped-down line, but it’s also one of her most effective. She utters this bone-chilling phrase upon seeing Chell again for the first time after they’ve both woken up in Portal 2, and while it only consists of a few words, Ellen McLain’s pitch-perfect delivery is what makes this line one of the best in the game.
The vast majority of Portal’s runtime in both games is dedicated to bits, jokes, and other silly ramblings geared toward making the player laugh. That makes the few genuine moments of emotion, whether it be fear, loathing, or vulnerability, all the more cutting.
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3 “Space!”
Space Core
In the finale of Portal 2, players face a super-powered, absolutely deranged Wheatley who can only be taken down by making him even more incompetent with personality cores that players have to physically attach to his chassis.
The personality cores, including Rick the adventure core and the curiosity core, have some classic lines of their own, but by far the most beloved and quoted is simply an exclamation of the word “space,” as enthusiastically uttered by the space core. Not only is it funny to just have an orb floating around, but this line also alludes to the sequel’s famous ending of killing Wheatley by sucking him through a portal on the Moon out into space.
2 “I'm the man that's going to burn your house down... with lemons!”
Cave Johnson
This is an iconic line from none other than Cave Johnson, former head of Aperture Science. It’s the final line of a ranting, rambling monologue about life giving you lemons, and then throwing the lemons back in life’s face out of spite. Johnson suggests that Aperture develop combustible lemons in order to combat whoever or whatever is giving out citrus in the first place.
This monologue contains volumes of excellent character development, and while there’s plenty to unpack there, all players really need to know is that this is indeed one of the best lines uttered in the entire series.
1 “How are you holding up? Because I’m a potato.”
GLaDOS
During the final act where Chell and GLaDOS had to team up to defeat Wheatley in Portal 2, the menacing AI ended up with her processor powered by a potato as a way to save her proverbial life. She, of course, isn’t too pleased with this development and lashes out at Chell with her classic sarcasm.
It’s a simple line, but it sums up the game’s sense of humor so beautifully. The genius of this line and how it fits into the game’s plot really sums up what makes these titles so special — there’s a reason why it’s often the first one-liner that comes to mind when players think about the moments from these games that made them laugh the most.
